There Were Two Clothed Children in My Backyard a Minute Ago

Now there is just one.

In the time it took me to put (yet another) load of laundry in, a child of mine had removed all clothing and underpants, and was leaping and twirling through the yard. Any guesses as to which child this might be?

Dear God, please, please, please can we bypass the teenage years with this one - I don't know if my heart, or patience, or sanity can take it.

The One In Which He Attempts To Capture His Prey With A Rope, A Slingshot, A Booby-Trapped Ladder, and A Pile of Rocks

"Mama, did you know that Roadrunners catch and eat Rattlesnakes?"

They do? (No, really, I did not know that).

"Yea, they're so fast that they just run around in circles and the Rattlesnake keeps trying to strike at the Roadrunner and then the snake gets tired and then the Roadrunner pecks him with his sharp beak until he's dead."

Really? I would have guessed that Roadrunners just eat a pile of "free" birdseed that just happens to be sitting in the middle of a deserted highway somewhere in the barren American southwest desert. The delicious pile of seed would be conveniently located at the base of a ginormous cliff while a 1 ton anvil hangs precariously above him. The Roadrunners will devour the seed, oblivious to the peril above, and then just dart away at the last second, while the Coyote is foiled yet again.

Isn't that how all Roadrunners survive? That's what I learned growing up (and I live in the American southwest desert). Either that, or I just assumed all Roadrunners just get together and order a bunch of crap from the Acme supply company to capture their prey. Just like Wile E. Coyote. Who knew there was an actual biologically sound method of Roadrunners securing their food source.

I do find it amusing when my five-year-old knows more than I do about certain subjects. Kudos to Ms. Pam - that teacher is a gift straight from heaven. In just one year of preschool, he learned about the forest, ocean, and desert - the flora, the fauna, the ins and outs, and everything in between. They learned about the human body - how nerve cells talk to each other, how the blood flows, how our bones move. They learned about our solar system and took a flight through the solar system in a rocket ship manufactured from a refrigerator box, complete with space suits and ground control.

The Y-ego Master continues to inform me at least once a week that the sun is something like 93 million miles away from earth and names all the planets (including the planet formerly known as Pluto) in order. (yea, I can do it now, but couldn't a year ago without Googling it). Thanks, son. And thank you, Ms. Pam. Not only are you teaching the beautiful spongy minds of four- and five-year olds, but their parents, too.

And isn't it funny how a short lesson on Roadrunner trickery from my son makes me realize how much I now remember forgetting over the years.

A Snow Shovel and a 50 Gallon Bucket are Absolutely Necessary

Me: "What was your favorite part of the Circus last night?"
Him: "The mertercyles in the cage."
Me: "That was pretty cool, wasn't it? What was the funniest part?
Him: "The elephant poop."
Me: "I'm glad you enjoyed the poo - that's why we came."

Quote(s) of the Day

"No."
"Nope."
"I said no."
"Please don't ask me again."
"No."
"NO."
"NO."
"The answer is still no."

And They Ate Wheat Thins & Pink Bubble Gum for Breakfast

There are those rare mornings that I just need to sleep in past 6:13 am for mental stability and rejuvination. So, I will choose to lay in bed for an extra hour. The purpose of "rejuvination" and mental rest are quickly overcome when, at 7:13 am, I am finally ripped out of my slumber with an earpiercing shriek and a dramatic cry of "Brrryyyyyyyynnnnnnnnnnn!!!!!!" Alarm clocks are just not really needed in our house. Unless you are attempting to wake up before the children, of course.

Here are just a few of the things my children can accomplish during my hour of sleeping in:

1. Scatter a herd of My Little Ponies from one end of the house to the other (I guess we practice pastural grazing in our house).
2. Make a sweet blanket fort between the two living room chairs, complete with a Disney Princess roof and an every-pillow-in-the-house-except-the-two-that-I-am-sleeping-on protective wall.
3. Place small stacks of books in random locations throughout the house. Why? Mail deliveries, of course!
4. Unroll half the roll of toilet paper. And then try to roll it back up so that Mama won't notice.
5. Post an entire stack of Post-It Notes on the bedroom doors and living room coffee table.
6. Review our collection of DVD's (for the 456th time) and leave the movies precariously stacked 23-inches-high in front of the TV.
7. Leave scribblings and love notes on the the stack of bills Mama left by the computer at 11:45 pm last night.
8. Break out the box of Wheat Thins and eat twice their weight in crackers.
9. Follow the breakfast of champions up with a shot of pink Bubble Gum.

All before 7:13 am. Amazing. Truly. Sleeping in for an hour may not be the wisest parenting decision I made this week. It seemed like a fantastic idea at the time. Now, in light of the aftermath, not so much.

Minute Maid 100% Apple White Grape Juice Box Trivia Questions

• Question: If you were a 3-year-old, how many times would you ask for a juice box before you finally gave up?
• Answer: 623

• Question: And if you were a mom of a 3-year-old who would ask you 623 times for a juice box before giving up, how many times would the 3-year-old have to ask you before you would finally give in, just begging for her to please leave you alone already?
• Answer: 9

• Question: And what if you were the mom of a 3-year-old who starts asking for cupcakes at 9:45 am, using the same juice-box inquisition tactic she achieved success with 7 minutes earlier?
• Answer: Lock yourself in the bathroom and curl up in a ball on the floor with your hands over your ears and your eyes shut tight. Counting slowly. To 623.

Did I Really Just Say That

If you had asked me 5 years ago, these are 10 things that I thought would NEVER come out of my mouth:

1. Stop using the Ranch dressing as fingerpaint right this instant!
2. Eat two more carrots and then you can have a chocolate chip cookie.
3. Do not sit on your sister's head.
4. Please do not put your shoe in your mouth.
5. Who left a piece of cheese on the bathroom counter?
6. Why is there a trail of pink nail polish in my bathroom at 6:30 in the morning?
7. Is there a reason an entire roll of toilet paper is lying in a pile next to the bathtub?
8. We do not lick people....it's not polite.
9. Do I really have to make you a bologna sandwich with ketchup on it?
10. Why are there are rocks under my pillow?

And What About a Pink Roller Coaster?

What about a pink roller coaster???

Random.

Even more random as an interjection to the conversation about the fishing trip with Daddy this weekend.

And completely irrelevant to fishing. Unless maybe it's a three-year-old's attempt at an elaborate metaphor for fishing. Yeah, that's it. You know, "pink" to represent the breed of fish known as the "Pink Salmon". And "roller coaster" to represent said "Pink Salmon" swimming upstream?

Pink Roller Coaster = Pink Salmon Swimming Upstream

I know, I know, it's definitely a stretch and I'm attempting to make my daughter sound like some sort of child genius. That, and the fact that they are going nowhere near a river that has Pink Salmon. Rainbow Trout, maybe. Catfish, possibly. Pink Salmon, definitely not.

So, I guess we should just call it what it is: random.

Tips on Love, By: TJ

The lessons we could all learn from a five-year-old about Love...

Yeah...9 is definitely TOO young, T. Wait until twenty-NINE. Or, thirty-NINE. Please.

Great idea on the date thing...much cheaper than dinner and a movie (especially since paying a babysitter for that 4 hours can set you back close to what it costs to have, say, ELECTRICITY in your house for an entire month?!?!). Definitely more fun. Will you go on a date with me? Will my tush still fit down the slide? I might get stuck. Maybe we should just stick to running around. Or, walking. Really fast walking. Yeah, that's more my speed. What's that you say? I'm a boring date? Hmphf.

"How do you fall in love"?!?!? "How do you make someone fall in love with you"?!?!? Does anyone know the answers to two of life's most challenging questions? Apparently preschoolers do. Need marriage counseling? Talk to someone in the four-and-five-year-old crowd. It might be worth your while.

And, my favorite: "Love is...that you appreciate somebody." All you need is love, love, love is all you need. Love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love. All you need is love. All you need is love.

(now you're singing it too, aren't you?)

My little lovebug - gotta love him!

Not Exactly What I Had In Mind When I Decided To Have Children...

Let me start off by apologizing. I have committed a major parening faux pas and for the very first time in my blog history - which has spanned a whole 1o months if you've been counting. Which I know you have. I am sure this here blog is read by at least tens of people every two years - oh, yeah, back to the "first-time-in-Candace's-blog-history-moment." To get the full effect of what went wrong when I decided to have children, I must include a "naughty" word. A "wash-your-mouth-out-with-soap" word. Sorry. But, it has to be done. I am just here to report the facts. And if a curse word is part of the evidence, then so be it.

Ok, content warning now out of the way. I am (still) so not getting the Mom of the Year Award. Ever.

So, let's set the scene: Loving Grandmother outside with her incredibely cute but sometimes ill-behaved grandchildren. They are doing the "green-hour" thing and are outside in Granny's yard watering plants and working on the lovely backyard fountain. A beautiful spring day in sunny Tucson. Can you picture it?

Said grandson is working diligently on the task at hand - cleaning out the fountain, wondering how much money he'll be able to talk said grandmother out of today. He has probably already asked her at least 17 times how much money he'll be making. He charges by the minute.

Said-granddaughter is doing the same - working that is. Or, more likely, just standing there trying to look busy and pretty at the same time, but really just plotting her next attempt to completely eradicate any and all attempts her mother has made to raise a well-mannered, gracious little girl. Don't worry, it won't take long. She's a mastermind at working out these evil schemes of hers in a matter of milliseconds. In fact, I think she came pre-programmed with an arsenal of them at birth.

"Granny," she says "this is a f---ing man's job!"

Oh, no...there it is. Seriously, when will she understand that feminist remarks like that are just not tolerated in this household? And how dare she call her grandmother "Granny." What was she thinking?!?!?

And I really do have a hard time understanding her pronuncitation of the the "---" sound. It kind of sounded like "uck" when everyone knows that hyphens really make an "ountain" sound. Come on, how could I have failed in teaching her that basic skill? I am afraid that speech class is in her very near future. That, and a bar of soap. In the mouth. For at least a minute. For Daddy and Mama.

By Smart, I Also Mean a Little Bit Odd at Times

He has the mental capacity to remember an event that happened 4 years ago. He can name and draw at least 7 different species of cacti. He can tell you today's date.

But, he has a shoe in his mouth. A dirty shoe. In his mouth.

In the meantime, while I certainly appear cool, calm, and collected on the outside, I am freaking out about the unquantifiable amount of germs that are happily parading from shoe to mouth. Has the kid never heard of "Foot-and-Mouth" disease?!?!? Well, I guess he wouldn't have since he is not a cow. Or pig. Or goat. Or sheep. Or any other variety of hooved animal normally infected by this virus...

But SHOE + MOUTH = eewww!




He is also notorious for tucking his shirt into his underwear.

Why I Can Forgive My Children for No Longer Being Able to Have a Pleasant Dinner in a Restaurant (Fancy or Not)

1. Because of their endless fascination with an apple that can be both red and green at the same time.
2. Soft, sweet butterfly kisses as bedtime.
3. Endless admiration for their ability to wake in the morning smiling, laughing, and playing with at least 10 toys before their little feet even hit the floor.
4. Still being able to read the same books after five years and discovering something new about the story each time.
5. Having serious conversations about why we cannot have candy or ice cream for breakfast.
6. Being reminded each time we drive by one that "Oh...there is another palm tree that you don't like." Note to self: when expressing personal likes and dislikes to a four-year-old who doesn't forget a thing you say other than that pertaining to housekeeping, remember that he will keep said list of preferences and aversions handy to use at the most inopportune (read: embarassing) moments).
7. Being able to read "Where the Wild Things Are" on a regular basis.
8. Quick forgiveness of my short temper.
9. Being reminded that, in certain circles, the word "poop" can be the source of endless laughter and tantilizing conversation.
10. A big hug and "Mama...I love you" -- for absolutely no reason.

Priorities

When one is faced with the decision of studying for Statistics class or making little-heart-shaped-mini-sandwiches for a Preschool Valentine's Day Party, priorities MUST be established: heart-shaped-mini-sandwiches trump stats every time!

What Is Love

I received a little bit of affirmation that I must not be too big a failure in the whole childrearing department when TJ took on the question of "What is love?" -- and why does that awful dance hit from the 90's pop into my head whenever I say that (and if you have no idea what song I'm talking about, then you are oh-so-blessed for never having heard this little not-so-great byproduct of the 1990's).

Tangent...Tangent...Tangent - back to the question at hand, "What is love" - it brought tears to my eyes when my little man said "Love means that you appreciate someone." Oh, if I could just wrap that little voice up and keep it in my pocket forever! I'm very sure I'll be needing it desperately in about 10 years!

Normally, I would say that the kid is just good at answering deep questions on the fly, but he was able to convey the exact same answer to both to his teenage cousins AND his teachers, so I think he definitely gets the concept! Yay - chalk one up for me! Oh - wait...

Today, on the very same day T's teacher doled out compliments on my parenting, Princess B's preschool teacher informed me she is still having "Anger Management" issues. In one fell swoop, she shattered my parenting pride. I am also pretty sure I heard a little bit of accusation in the tone of her voice. Or maybe that was my own guilty conscience.

Anyway, forget about that whole "in the lead with childrearing" thing. But, honestly, there are days I wish I could just bonk certain people on the head with a My Little Pony and get on with my day, too!

I Don't Know About You, But I LOVE Cake!

Bite ONE:

Bites TWO - TEN:

Yum, Yum, Yum...Delicioso!

O' Tannenbaum, O'Tannenbaum - Oh...Tannenbaum

I entrusted all of the Christmas ornaments (glass & metal alike) to the ever-steady hands of a 3- and 4 1/2 - year old this past weekend (well, all but my one or two or eight of my most cherished). Bold, venturesome, crazy...I know!

But you know what, they managed not to drop or break even one!

I hate to admit it, but the only casualty of the night was all me. And, truthfully, it would have been a "no-breaker" if my overwhelming need to replace all of the old, yucky hooks with the newer, more attractive hooks from Crate-and-Barrel hadn't taken over.

Don't judge me, Perfectionism is a disease. See I capitalized it, so it is. Really.

And I know if anyone were to look closely at my brand new ornament hooks, they will notice nothing special about them. But they are - really. I got them from CRATE AND BARREL and they were only $0.99 for 50, or maybe they were $1.99, or maybe...ok, I actually am not sure how much they really cost, but I know they weren't expensive. And they curve a little differently than my old ones. And they are just the right length. And...ok, now you can judge me.

Anyway - here is a picture of the kid's version of the tree. And, yes, immediately after they went to bed, I couldn't stand it any more and redistributed the ornaments evenly throughout the tree...Perfectionism is a disease!

Mama, I'm Hungry...

You just ate.

But I'm still hungry.

You should have finished the food on your plate.

But I'm still hungry.

Here, have a piece of fruit. Yogurt? Raisins?

No.

Well, what is it that you want, then?

Chocolate.

No.

But I'm Huuuuuunnnnnnggggrrrrryyyyyyyyyyyy!

No! (as I inwardly curse the Trick-or-Treating festivities that gave way to this daily conversation)

Note to Self

Don't submit yourself to unneccesary torture. Before taking small children to a new park...please do a drive by (without children of course), taking the time to scope it out first. Most importantly, determine whether or not the bathrooms are more than 150 yards away from the gigantic treehouse play structure...if so, don't take the kids there. Ever. Ever. EVER.

Trick-or-Treating with Davy Jones

Trick-or-Treating was fun...well, it was fun until we got to the, um let's see, second house. You see, there were some very well-meaning, fun-loving neighbors who were really into the spirit of Halloween. Maybe it was the fact that we had just come from a sweet older woman who was VERY interested in Princess B's story about the Cinderella costume, or maybe it was the strobe light and spider webs; maybe the creepy Halloween music; maybe even the risque "Policewoman", or MAYBE it was just the really tall man dressed up in a very realistic Davy Jones costume from Pirates of the Caribbean (otherwise known as "Octopus Pirate Guy" at our house).

Whatever it was, Princess B decided right then and there that Trick-or-Treating was a highly questionable event. No more running eagerly up the driveway for her candy, and definitely no more ringing of the doorbell - who knows who (or what) might open that door! She did finish her Trick-or-Treating escapade, because after all, candy was involved. But, she did so quite reluctantly, dragging her little feet along in her flashing Cinderella glass slippers...TRICK-OR-TREAT!!!!

Oh...and did I mention that T was bold this year and chose the Fireman costume for the THIRD time? He plays it safe...consistency is key with this one!

On A Good Day...

It is a rare occasion to have both of my children standing nicely together for a photo...it is even rarer to have both sets of eyes open, looking in the general vicinity of the camera, and an expression that is not on the verge of hysteria...so, PLEASE, enjoy - it may be a while before this happens again!

Oh...and please ignore the dubious hand placement and mischevious grin - he loves his little sister, really!